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  • Caleb Parkin

Faux-Chav Wear, Diction Insults and Cycle Blindness

Well, today after attending the gymnasium, I stayed in my sportswear to go to Broadmead. When in Rome etc. While there, a young man also in trainers, tracksuit bottoms and baseball cap (but as day-to-day wear) asked me for the time – and I wondered, would he have done so if I was in dandy coat and smart attire? Maybe there’s a code of conduct which states you can only ask another be-hoodied personages such things.

I replied ‘It’s quarter to two,’ and he asked, smiling ‘Quarter to, or quarter to two?’

‘To two,’ I replied, with better clarity. ‘Terrible diction.’ But he did not hear this second part. How dare he insult my drama-degree educated diction? Ruffian. Next time I shall spit the time at him. Not literally, of course. How vulgar.

Also while in Broadmead, I was amazed at how many people simply WALK OUT IN FRONT OF YOU if you’re on a bicycle. Is the principle here that you can only be run-into by things which make a noise? For this is not the case. People are then somehow affronted if one uses the bell – so perhaps what I need is a steampunk bicycle something like this:


With an OVERSIZED BELL/HOOTER, measuring perhaps 1 metre along the side of the bike, like this:


No time to photoshop this right now, but you get the idea.

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